I do not resemble your other lovers, my lady
should another give you a cloud
I give you rain
Should he give you a lantern, I
will give you the moon
Should he give you a branch
I will give you the trees
And if another gives you a ship
I shall give you the journey.

out front to be high
were we?
such a long time of debachery
mixed up times tables
two times three

high as something
on the front lawn
of the Powell Parelta skate park we
kissed and groped and feelings moved
on top of a air condioner I rode thee

coming quickly
you stopped
I shout
next day at school
there is a baby in me

I lied, like I had before
in the grade of 8
to a boy who didn’t reach a climax
gee

liar girl I must be

the day was hot
as our love
fucking in elevators
being caught by a woman
who wouldn’t make eye contact when we passed her again

our love was burning
it was 500 miles of hitch hiking down the California coast a flame
it was late night carve your name in my typewriter prised possession conversation steamy

pressing play on the boom box I slept with
to listen to eddie veder sing your name
while we lay sweaty and funky
you’d whisper in my ear that you spoke in class today
sadly your ego override the songs other lyrics of death
it was your tune

the boy was something that mommy wouldn’t wear

I loved you
your sex was what kept me
I often wonder where you are lurking now
revving up some girls twat with your thick fingers
the memories of your lips between my legs
your thrust of all of 16 encompasses me

faded picture memories
black and white on purpose
to capture what was long ago
a time when std and protected sex evaded me
because with you
there would never be another
true.

I lay
yes lay
in the bed that never felt your skin

and who
suffers more

I wait
for eternities
while you be ‘left alone’
never admitting that you
need me

find a new
‘that will do’
so you don’t have to feel too deeply

Amy says
all I can ever be to you
is the darkness that we knew…

…once it was so right
when we were at our high…

the descent
a long
hard
one

I go back, again
re-collect the past
and know my words were true

wouldn’t write them
in paper and pen, not blue
if I didn’t feel them about you

I touch the page like a lover
which you have not been
though I felt closer to you
than any next of kin.

a little one not of my own wrapped his arms around my legs
and kept smiling at me behind his mothers
Carlos, my order taker
crumples a brown bag vigorously after removing its contents and placing them on the plastic tray.

The little one, wearing house shoes smiles at me again
my head pounds and minutes feel like hours
I like this feeling
as I recall the previous night of drinking with friends

I watch the Asian girl on the bus fully apply her makeup
I think of him
in his red sweatshirt
and long to just have one night alone still
my belly full
my head fuller
my want and guilt fullest

One I wish I never played
Oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

Played out by the band
Love is a losing hand
More than I could stand
Love is a losing hand

Self professed… profound
Till the chips were down
…know you’re a gambling man
Love is a losing hand

Though I’m rather blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned

Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

(Amy Winehouse)

I have never looked at someone for this long before I said. Nor I you replied. Your warmth was heavy as the day grew older. The scent of your skin reminded me of home, which was precisely where we were at that moment, aware of our surroundings.

I laughed at your wonder and amazement to the sites and sounds.

What is wise you asked.
Wise is your mind I replied
Proudly I sat near you like the queen of the sarengheti.

My voice clear, my statements clearer with bass and delicate forcefulness. I shared my thoughts openly, opening up my heart to let you see how my love for another came to be.

I used to think he played these songs for me I squeeked, struggling over the letters while the pools grew behind the dam. This time you did not speak, just looked in wonder and amazement in my direction as your had done all morning long.

I let you in on my secrets of the games I play. You chuckled loudly and sweetly at my bluntfull admissions, knowing the way I work does not work on you.

You are a lion you stated like you would say the sky is blue, which it was as I looked up at the window again, the soul still coming through the shades.

the most horrible thing to ever happen to me other than myself.

I hope you die in a fire.

better yet.

I hope you live a life with a woman you don’t love, and have terrible sex for the rest of your live.

get to it scrub.

and I let you in, willingly
and you lied to me, truthfully
pretty words, lullabies, whispered fabrications
I ate them up, dutifully

retrograde sinister than in the stale mate previous
and wonder how I was so impervious
to my own inside head screaming run
while I smiled outside to your setting sun

I am a fool, I am a fool’s fool

My body you saw displayed for your eyes
felt my touch on your skin in daylight
ate my words up with a fork and knife
most unfortunate of this end
you heard my song, open heart wide, in your ear
resist, never gonna sing again, voice shrouded in fear

silent as a mute, acute tender heart
lyrically I am blocked, frocked in doubt apart
burn the desire, that you inspire, set ablaze the haze
deceitful statements, my pillar, my shade

I am a fool, I am a fool’s fool

twist my words to make you say
deeper hallow the sounds that stray
empty sentence with meanings lack
threats go round, to turn your back

lonesome girl, electronic box light
searching for you, rehashing last fight
recall this pleasure pain of love
search for wholeness, she comes undone

He is right.
But the knowledge
that you hurt
because you don’t hear me
makes the hurt I feel equal

If you look inside your nonexistent heart
you’ll see me hiding.
Tiny. Balled up in fear.
I’m here.
But I won’t speak.

Push it down farther, smash it like petals
Don’t write cuz that brings it to the surface, a surface I can’t face
never again that warm touch, never that sweet embrace

(ch)
hold it down push it down let it fade away
twice removed, bitter lies, baby lead astray
hold it down push it down let it die inside
better than reality live the bitter lie

(v2)
Don’t feel any more, the numbness taken over
its easier to fake it, pretend it was all a lie
then to face the bottom line that you didn’t try

No more honesty, its all dirty fiction
go back into the shell
where I am safe from the friction

(ch)

(b)
you knew the real me, but now she’s gone,
ran away with the real you, hid for so long
bound together and pretend they never belonged
neither had the strength to carry on

(ch)

struggle drowning for control
heavy heaving, regretful sobbing
bled so deeply through my chest
pressed on temples, remorseful throbbing

(ch)
and I the smaller of us two
kept you safe from harm
and I the braver of us two
held you closer in my arms

(v2)
in thoughts He doesn’t love you
unworthy of the praise
within the grasp its all renewed
mapping emotional maze

step one closer to acceptance
lost faith once found
it is not me who gives forgiveness
but accepts you completely with resound

(ch)

(b)
knowledgeable, as He is, of your sins, I won’t save you from yourself
steadfast in my resolve to not leave you empty on the shelf
but I the smaller of us two, will keep you safe from harm
and I the stronger of us two, will settle down your alarm

and I the smaller of us two
keep you safe from harm
and I the braver of us two
held you closer in my arms

(ch out)

we say we can’t talk about it
but the reality is true
hashing over worthless lies
no subscription to renew

(c)
you try a little harder to make me love you
throw more fuel on the fire
could you try a little harder to make me love you
unsure I’m your hearts desire

(v2)
you say I make
fuck me eyes with my voice
you’re the one now
to make the choice

voice or eyes
don’t listen, don’t see
I won’t cry when
its time to leave

(c)
you try a little harder to make me love you
throw more fuel on the fire
could you try a little harder to make me love you
unsure I’m your hearts desire

(b)
And you say
the voice may have been the beginning
but its not what drives me now
in this play of blatant sinning
curtain closed now take a bow

(c)
you try a little harder to make me love you
throw more fuel on the fire
could you try a little harder to make me love you
unsure I’m your hearts desire

It no longer matters
that I would, if you would let me
but you don’t, so I press on
alone, head held as high as my tiny broken shoulders can manage
the utterance of speech
when I am on or I am off
you are consumed with everything but me

It no longer matters
what time it is
the last time I ate
the last words you spoke
beg for attention, choke
on the silence you utter in the dark
you have been gone so long, while I searched.

What matters is the ache
the resounding, deafening reverberation of no longer
that I continually hold on to
so my creativity doesn’t die like you did.
Bury it in the ground with your rotting corpse
I spit.

I never spit.

I spit.

your eyes could see through me
into my very soul
the movement of your lips
could somehow make me whole

will it be in a front door
of a home that is not mine
or in a smokey bar
where we dare to cross that line

or in an airport loud
people not watching but all around
our first embrace within a crowd
no doubt resounding within us now

will you reach for me
hands round my hips
cheek pressed to mine
shoulder close to your lips

will we breathe deep
and share a sigh
can I contain my rapture
and taunt myself not to cry

will we feel like we are complete
born a continent apart
who will pull away first
will I feel your beating black heart

how deeply will you look inside
to see the girl you could love
how open will I blossom up
to receive your gifts untold

and what about those first words
spoken in my ear
pretty things you’ve told me
that only I got to hear

so many tidings that could be said
swirling, twirling inside this head
even as I sit her now
I am still amazed at even how

I could have waited for so long
to live within embrace of song
of the heart you claim doesn’t beat
but for me, your love will reap

an ocean of chorus
love songs and poems
a grain of sand
plentiful with promise.

“Yes.” you say with a grin. You reach up and remove my red hat from my head, spin it around and pull it down onto your own. tucking your hair that is still in pigtails behind your ear. We still have not touched. You step closer, I can feel the vibrations of your energy. You look towards the bench. “Have a seat.”

You step over to the bench, turn and sit down, your eyes never leaving mine. You pat the bench with your right hand, motioning for me to sit too. I look at my watch again. 10 minutes late for the meeting. I start to speak, you interrupt.

“Let me see your cell phone.“ You say fervently. I thrust my hand into my left pocket and pull the device out. I extend my arm to hand it to you, the phone cradled in my hand that is turned palm up. You place your hand on top of mind but do not pull the phone away. Your right pinky finger, dips down and gently touches my thumb. From the exterior I am acting completely unaware that we’re touching, but I know you know I know. You smile slyly at me, cock your head to one side.

You grip the phone with your other fingers and slide it slowly away. Still staring at me from under my red hat with the frayed edge. You flip open the phone without looking at it, and dial numbers again without looking, pull the phone to your ear, smile. You look away, take a breath then you speak quickly.

“Stacy. It’s Noel, we have that production meeting at 2 right? Yes, lets push that to 3:30, I have some things to take care of. Right. Right. No I’ll let him know. Alright, thanks.”

You shut the phone with a click. Finger it with both hands. I extending my hand to take it back hoping that we’ll touch again. You hand it to me with no contact this time.

“Sit down.” You say, patting the bench again. I take a step towards the bench and sit, only inches form your thighs. Your legs are crossed right over left, and your blue skirt is dancing around your knees, I turn my body towards you, put my left arm around the back of the bench, close to your shoulders but not touching them. You shift towards me as well, flip your right pigtail over your shoulder, your soft hair falls over the back of the bench resting on my arm. Your hands in your lap, left hand over right, your ring finger naked. I grab the bill of the hat with my right hand and lift it off your head, place it back on mine. I reach up and place my hand on the top of your head and smooth your hair down, wrapping my hand around your pigtail near your ear, the backs of my fingers slightly touching your left cheek for the first time, I slide my hand down your hair to the very bottom of it and let go. I place my hand back in my lap.

The seagull flies over head.

“Of course.” I say half cocky, half condescending. As if I don’t trust the olive oil in your pantry. “It’s my favorite kind from Nice, Italy. It’s fantastic.”

You’re standing in front of me, tall, broad. I’m looking down at your shoes and the linoleum floor. I feel your smile fade as though someone turned off a light in the kitchen.

“Turn around Noel. “ You say firmly. You’re standing in front of me, take a step closer, tall, broad, I can feel your presence even though I am looking down at your shoes and the linoleum floor. My head bent forward, my bangs in my eyes, I begin to tie the apron around my back ignoring what you said. You reach out for my right arm with your left hand, jerk me around. I drop my hands to my sides. You place your right hand on my right hip, slide your left one down and back me up a bit. Your hands move to the ties entwined loosely behind my back. You take each tie in one hand, the fabric is soft in your palms. You grip it tight and pull, tight around my waist. It makes an audible sound. I breath in sharply, you lean in, I can feel your chest, your breathing against my shoulder blades. I am completely tense and aroused. You whisper in my ear.

“Woman.” Your breath hot on my neck. “Make me a sammich.” You loop the ties into a bow. I turn around to face you inches from your lips, squint my eyes, then break into a wide smile.

40 pounds I hate you
40 pounds of you
40 pounds you lost when I left
but I lost 300 of you

it is hot on the bus
the heater is on
my hair clinging to the back of my neck
last cigarette smoked in a rush
I consider not buying another pack

girls with graceful long fingers
translucent skin, chipped nail polish
and the boys who talk loud
to get her attention

there is a haze over the city
not from last nights festivities
but a fire which burns this town yearly
I heard the music too loudly

I don’t mean to rhyme
but sometimes
the words fall out from my like a song
the bus travels fast on Ward Drive
the haze in the city lightens

I smell the cigarettes on my fingers
I used to hate that smell
it is now comforting
as I flip the bird and rebel yell

the trees are changing colors
much like my own sould
green to yellow, to orange and brown
fall down
become earth again

my stop draws near
my head still full of words
not worthy of paper
like the ocean
they are in constant renewal
constant motion.