Rejection comes in many shapes and forms, asking someone out on a date, jobs, so-called friends. Today I got rejected by a short older gentleman via email. No I didn’t want to bang him or be his pal, I wanted to work for him.

I had applied at a local coffee place here in town, its a quirky joint, with couches and a fireplace, very cozy. My interview started with the older guy telling me that he had been up since 5am and hadn’t eaten all day (Red Flag). We sat across from each other for an hour and a half, talking and telling each other stories about work and children. It was rather casual, not like a formal interview at all. The man was quirky  which is fine. He went into great detail about what its like to work for him, how he would probably hate me around week 3 because I’m doing everything ‘wrong’ but around week 6 he’ll get over it and find me to be a valued employee (Red Flag). He wanted people who cared about his place, were timely, treated people with love and respect when they walked in the door. It was sounding more and more perfect. I fucking rock at making coffee. I am skilled in food presentation. I am a godess when it comes to customer service. I have been told that I make people feel like the center of my world when I tend to them from across the counter. I get people coming back again and again to the establishments I work for. I’m just that damn good.

The older vertically challenged fella explained to me that he would have to ‘break me of my bad habits’ of the way I make coffee because the bulk of my experience was at a rival local shop downtown. (Red flag). Whatever, he thinks that his shit don’t stink and thats fine. He’s confident about his product and that is fine as well. Just as I am confident about my abilities to be a thriving and productive member of his team.

The interview went on and he said that he would be ‘talking to me again very soon.’ (Red flag) I’ve heard this about as many times as I’ve heard the wad of hundred dollar bills hit the dresser after a one night stand. I knew he wasn’t going to call. But I tried to put it out of my mind, put my tough girl panties on and not be excited or worried if he did or not. I would simply just be. No use worrying about things I can’t control. Almost a week goes by and I decide to email him on Wednesday. This morning I am greeted by a response from the quirky older gentleman. The position had been filled but he’ll keep me in mind if anything changes.

Rejection.

I’ve applied for jobs before and been rejected when money was on the line and I was going to lose my apartment, or not eat, but this, this somehow felt way different. More painful, more soul crushing. It took all my confidence chips away and I started doubting every part of myself, my life, my….everything. Why? I don’t know…but as I write this out that feeling is dissipating at bit. It clearly was not a good fit and I sort of knew that in the back of my head because of all the (Red Flags). Its not about the money (Hey! Must be the money!). Money is nice and something else most likely will come along but here is really why this one hurt more than the others:

The problem with me working outside of the home is not just finding a job. It is having to coordinate with 6 different people who all have their own jobs, school, practices, and needs for time alone. So much planning and coordination goes into me working in an environment that is not my house that it is a daunting task to say the least. So when someone says ‘are you going to keep looking’ right after I tell them I didn’t get this particular position, I fall into a panic. When I first saw the craigslist ad for this job, I was dumbfounded because the hours, location and ease in which I could just step in and start working were, for lack of a better word, perfect. So to try and find this type of perfection again, would be like trying to find a duplicate of the one that got away.

But the one that got away, went away for a reason. As did this job. So here I am.

Rejected. Aware, but rejected.

As I stand here typing this, eating a terrible breakfast, because when I have money issues (who doesn’t), I always go to food to make me ‘feel better’ and then after I’m done eating, fully regret what it is I just shoved in my face. Money more than anything on this earth stresses me out. Its the soul reason I can’t do certain things I want to do because I only have enough to get by and sometimes do nice things for myself.

This morning I realized that I can’t go to a wedding this weekend with El Jeffe because I just don’t have the money to make it happen. And I realized that I was irresponsible in buying my Blizzcon ticket. I should have planned better, I should have thought it through more, but what I want more than anything is go, and to see my friends and to work towards this goal. And that means that I am setting aside going to this wedding with J because of it. If I hadn’t bought the ticket, I’d have the extra money for gas, and to buy drinks or whatever we would need down there. Its his best friend’s wedding and I won’t be on his arm because I am a selfish bitch who wants her needs met before anyone else.

So I’m considering selling my ticket and not attending the actual convention. Because I feel like I am letting J down. This wedding would be the first time I would be meeting his friends, and basically second family.  And that is important to him. But before I take any drastic action I want to write about this dress and possibly shove my toothbrush down my throat and purge the bowl of pasta I just ate.

I’ve never worn this dress

I remember flipping through the racks at Ross when I came across this beauty. I loved the delicate print and the three ruffles on the bust. It has a tie under the bustline to give it a more fitted look. I thought it would look nice on me. The hem line was lower in the back than it was in the front, and that was very in style when I bought the dress. I remember going into the poorly lit dressing room at Ross, seriously what is wrong with that place, the lighting is SO BAD. I slipped out of my clothes and pulled the dress on. It was very tight across the bust as most dresses are, but something in my head said, you know you can lose the weight and this will fit you perfectly. Its only like ten pounds or so, my brain lied to me.

So I bought the dress. And its been sitting in my closet for well over a year now. Waiting for me to lose those ten pounds so I could wear it in the summer with flip flops or cute wedges. Waiting for me to tie a little bow under the bust. Waiting for the wind to pick up the front hem line just a little to be flirty. Just waiting.

25

When I was a young girl I remember telling my mom that Mother’s Day was bullshit. That it was a day for people to make amends with their mom because they don’t tell her that they love and appreciate her daily. Which is something I did as a child. My mom was incredibly loving to me and at a very young age taught me to appreciate her. We hugged a lot, we kissed, we said I love you multiple times a day. So to me, Mother’s Day was just stupid. So I didn’t make her cards, I didn’t buy her presents. I would sometimes get random 5th birthday cards or better yet bereavement cards for Mother’s Day.

Even when I became a mom some almost ten years ago now, I didn’t really get into the ‘holiday’ much. This year though, my children are super into it, and its bringing up some nutty feelings inside me. Who knew a made up holiday to sell Hallmark cards could do this to me.

Aside from adoring my small humans today, and their unconditional love for me making me feel incredible, and humble and blessed, I am seeing some of my twitter friends be angry at this day. I’m seeing a lot of unhappy tweets from my gay/lesbian/trans friends that actually hurt my heart. They tweet because they had parents who didn’t accept them for who they are.

Gosh I having trouble putting this into words.

Look, you. You, yes I’m talking to you. I love you. I accept you. You are a valued human being. I am so sorry that your parents, your mom especially hurt you. If I was lucky enough to have you as my son or daughter I would treat you with respect and love always. Please know that. I understand your need to vent and to hurt on this stupid day. I hear you. I see your words and I feel them. Please know that your words are touching my heart, even if they are angry. I love you. I accept you.

and gosh dammit, come here so I can hug you. And feed you toast with nutella. And some wine of course.

26 years
26 dresses
26 weeks
26.

26 is a pretty special number to me. One of my loves was a deejay and I think by far the greatest mix that he ever created was done on 7/26. It was perfection. I had at one time thought about naming my design business SevenTwentySix, but opted to keep it with my name. I was 26 years old when I gave birth to my first child. That was almost ten years ago. And for ten years now, I haven’t been taking care of myself. I have been busy growing small humans, caring for them, and it left little to no time for me. I’ve waxed and waned with my weight for so long now. And this journey has not been a pleasant one. I’ve tried everything to keep my focus, and until now nothing has really worked. I’m not blaming my children for the weight in any way. I am blaming myself and the only way to actually make it change for good is to focus on the positive. Make the changes slowly, and steadily. I still want to be a hot bitch, and I want to add another level of focus for myself.

I have 26 dresses in my closet that don’t fit me. Twenty six. Really its more like 18 dresses and 8 outfits, but 26 *dresses* sounded so much better. My goal is to take this one week at a time. One dress, one outfit each week and write about how I felt wearing that dress. Who I was with, who I kissed, where I went, what I ate.

I have 26 weeks, starting today until Blizzcon. I have 26 weeks to remind myself that I am worth taking time for. That I have the willpower and the ability to take it one week at a time, focus on that dress/outfit as a goal. Remnding myself daily that I can do this, because hell its only one week. I can surely dedicate myself to getting to wear an amazing dress for a whole week right? Its only one week at a time.

THE Sundress:

I love this dress. I was newly single after being in a verbally abusive relationship for over 4 years. I was living alone in Torrance and was in Santa Monica with my new friend Kathy. She was rich and beautiful and lived this some what crazy lifestyle that I wish I could afford. We passed the dress in some little shop, and I sort of stopped in my tracks. Kathy saw it too and urged me to go inside and try it on with the pair of brown cowboy boots with the orange trim as well. I went behind the red curtain of the dressing room and slipped into the dress, pulled the boots on and with Kathy’s urging I walked out and stood in front of the three way mirror.

I knew I was going to eat ramen for the next week if I bought this dress and the boots, but it was going to be worth it. The dress glowed against my tan summer skin, my light golden locks framed my face in such a way that I felt like a new woman. I felt alive. I felt free. I felt beautiful and sexy and all the things I had been longing to feel for a long time. I bought the dress.

The dress because a staple in my wardrobe for many many a night out after that. I can’t recall the first time I wore it, but I know I wore it to my friend’s birthday party. I rocked it with these white addidas and danced the night away celebrating my girl’s birthday.

I wore it out to sushi with friends, out to lunch with dates, out dancing late into the night.

I wore it after I gave birth to Aiden and Isaiah actually. And took a picture I’m sure a lot of people have seen. I love that picture. I want THAT feeling again. I love this dress. I love the way I feel in this dress. I am going to think about this dress every day for the next week. It will be the last thing I look at when I fall asleep and the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning.

I’m going to remember feeling the music, like I am here

twenty-six

I don’t claim this to be legit Thai Coconut Chicken Soup, but its incredibly tasty and easy to make. I had most of the ingredients on hand and whipped it up pretty quickly.

Thai Coconut Chicken Soup

1 whole chicken
1 carton organic chicken stock
2 cans coconut milk
1 sweet onion, diced
1 bunch of celery, diced
5-6 cloves of garlic minced
1 bunch of cilantro, chopped reserving 1/4 cup for garnish
2-3 tablespoons of grated fresh ginger
3 packages of ramen, cooked without the seasoning packet, drained
2 stalks of lemon grass
Zest and juice of 2 lemons
1 cup of bean sprouts for garnish

Throw your whole chicken in your crock pot with the lemon grass with enough water to cover. Cook on high for 3-4 hours or low for 6-8. De-bone and shred the meat, strain and reserve the liquid.
In a large stock pot sauté your onions until translucent. Add celery, garlic and ginger. Cook until fragrant.
Add chopped cilantro.
Add lemon juice, chicken stock and reserved cooking liquid plus 2 cups of water.
Add shredded chicken.
Add coconut milk and bring to a boil until heated through.
Add cooked ramen noodles.

Serve in big bowls and garnish with lemon slices, cilantro and bean sprouts.

yum!

I hate this. I hate that I don’t have sheer will power to stay on track. I’ve had two home births. And my first I was in labor for 46 hours, with pitocin and no epidural rocking contractions that would bring linebackers to their knees. Yet I pressed one. But this…this bullshit is HARD.

I’m literally like….EAT ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME. Its terrible. So first it was the cold of doom that attacked. Then I had *ahem* some female trouble that landed me in the ER with the bruised belly button of doom. Seriously, yall don’t want to see a picture of it. And I fall off the track again.

I wake up this morning, after having lovely sushi dinner last night, and feel like I can take on the world again despite it being shark week. Which for me is a roller coaster of emotions. I should probably be on some sort of medication during this time and not just 5-HTP and my normal vitamins.

I digress.

What do you do to stay on track? I’ve tried rewarding myself, I’ve tried setting up smaller goals, looking at how far I’ve come instead of how far I still have to go. I have all the tools. One thing I’ve figured out is that I do need to stop tracking my calories on Livestrong.com and just focus on eating my whole foods, and doing my regular workouts. The weight WILL come off eventually. I shouldn’t push myself even though I want to. I have dresses that I haven’t worn since before I had kids and I really want to wear those dresses again. But its going to take a while.

I am not a hare, I’m a god damn turtle.

Here we go yet again.

Blizzcon 2013 dates announced!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did I mention that I am excited?

Sting Ray a double sided scooby snack. Yea we pick our hotel. Speaking of hotels, I just booked mine. Same one as previous years, and while I won’t be wasting my money staying at the Hilton, I will be in a comfortable, fair priced hotel not too far from the Con.

I’M SO EXCITED THAT I MIGHT PEE ON MYSELF.

So what are your plans for Blizzcon2013? What are you most looking forward to? Who are you looking forward to meeting? For me, it has to be my main woman, Mallory. I can’t wait to scoop that little ball of sunshine up in my arms and smother her with kisses as she tries to fight me off. While she won’t be attending the Con itself, rest assured we’ll be getting into some serious debauchery together.

gah! I can barely contain myself.

Ah week two. Usually week two is ok but this time I got attacked by a stupid cold.

I didn’t track at all this week. Not only was this cold attacking me, but I got dealt a blow with some personal crap that made me crave carbs, comfort foods and generally everything bad for it. It was terrible. And I was completely aware that I was fucking up. I tried running once and couldn’t. But I ended up walking a couple miles, and then I was just done. Coughing, wheezing, generally feeling like complete crap.

I’m still not 100% but I’m slowly getting back there. I’m still coughing and have a slight runny nose, so I can’t go to the gym and spread my germs around. I am thinking Thursday I’ll go to the gym in the morning and walk and see how I feel. I don’t want to relaps and get sick again. I HATE being sick.

I don’t feel like a failure because I ate like crap or didn’t work out this week. I was sick. And I’m going to get back up on the horse and ride again to good healthy.

Yep. Gonna keep on, keepin’ on.

Tough first week as expected, the exercise part, but the eating was not. Emotions ran wild of course. Fuck the scale even though I looked at it. TAUNTING BITCH THAT SCALE IS.

Food: week (01/30 – 02/05) – Total Calories: 6316 
I ate tons of great food this week. Lots of egg whites, kale, uncurred black forrest ham, sugar snap peas, mushrooms, greens, chicken, bok choy, cabbage, carrots, celery, tomatoes, blueberries, bananas, oranges, salmon, peanut butter, edamame, zucchini, red yellow orange bell peppers, grassfed beef, cauliflower, pork roast, sweet onions, pineapple, even bacon.

I had great snacks that filled me up and didn’t make me tired. My dishes included chicken curry, salmon salads, grasfed sliders, veggie soup, generally amazing whole foods. The only thing not ‘whole’ is my protein powder. It just does it for me and I don’t think I’ll be giving that up any time soon.

I’ve been doing well on portion control which I thought would be the hardest part. It actually has turned out to be easier than I thought. I load up on fresh veggies and appropriate portions of protein. I haven’t missed corn, bread, pasta, rice, etc. I did have some quinoa on Saturday night and 30 minutes later it made me feel like complete shit. So I won’t be doing that again.

I have had cravings for cheese, and rice and sourdough bread with tons of butter, but its just not worth it. I haven’t craved any alcohol at all, which I found to be very very interesting.

Edit: I’ve been cooking with coconut oil more than olive oil as well. I use way less and it still does the job. Coconut oil is outstanding.

Exercise: week (01/30 – 02/05) - Total calories burned: 5,322
Whooo Nelly. So I was completely gun hoe on P90x. Ab Ripper X kills me every time. Plyometrics is hard freaking core, as is YogaX which I could only do 30 minutes of. Not bad for the first time. But last night while doing legs/back and Ab Ripper, I got hella frustrated with Tony Horton’s droning on and on and on and on. I also can’t physically do some of the poses, and ab work because my stomach gets in the way. I figure by the end of 3 months I’ll be much better at it. But I was very very pissed off last night. But I had also done interval training in the morning logging 2.5 miles so I think my brain was just sort of over it. Speaking of miles I’ve logged almost 6 miles of running or walking. I’m continuing doing my Couch to 5k with my GetRunning app. I LOVE THAT THING SO MUCH.

There hasn’t been a single day this week where some part of my body wasn’t sore. Its the best kind of sore ever. Also showers after workouts are the BEST showers ever.

Emotions:
ALL THE FEELS. I’ve felt every single emotion this week. Joy, frustration, anger, resentment, pain, happiness, sorrow, hatred. I’ve felt energized after eating whole foods. I almost cried on the treadmill the first time I ran in three months. I probably over did it, but I had to do three runs and I kept the kids in my mind while doing them. The first was Aiden, and the example I want to set for him. That he is my first born, my first love. And I’m running and pushing myself and the music I was listening to (Chase and Status Essential Mix) and the endorphins and feelings are just rising so hard to the surface and I’m about to cry, then its over and I can walk again.

Then the 2nd to last run in the series was for Isaiah, and how I want to be able to keep up with him when he’s out running around playing soccer and baseball and basketball and being a healthy small human. This run wasn’t as emotional but it was still good.

Last run of the circuit was for Estella. My baby, my daughter. I thought about my own mother and how she didn’t set a good example for health, food and exercise. I do not want that for Stella. I want her to follow in my footsteps as a healthy woman, who is proud of her body, who works hard to have it, who eats mindfully and doesn’t reward herself with food, or punish herself when things go wrong with food. I ran that last circuit for her. To prove to her that her mother is a rock star and can accomplish anything. I want her to take from that.

Those were the good things this week. There were some dark parts, especially last night with P90x. I’m over it today, and I will press on. Its a roller coaster of emotions and I’d like to get off, but this is what life is all about when you make drastic life changes. I’m completely aware of what is going on, and dealing with these emotions without the crutch of food.

I’m also talking with other dear friends who are on this same journey as me, give incredible encouragement through phone calls, facebook, text messages.

This is  a long journey to get to my final goal weight, but I look at it as how far I’ve come so far. I made it a whole week without dying and I do feel good. I need more sleep, I know this. But I am going to continue on this path one day at a time so I’m a smokin’ hot bitch in  Vegas/Blizzcon. After those events, hell yes I will be right back on this path.