I am deathly afraid that
when you sit
on my bed
with your guitar
and sing your songs to me
that I will fall.

madly
deeply and
completely
in love with you.

you’ll have gotten
what you wanted
and then you’ll run off
just like he did.

just like he did.

you lie
yes lie
in a bed you shared with her
she is gone

I lay
yes lay
in the bed that never felt your skin

and who
suffers more

I wait
for eternities
while you be ‘left alone’
never admitting that you
need me

find a new
‘that will do’
so you don’t have to feel too deeply

Amy says
all I can ever be to you
is the darkness that we knew…

…once it was so right
when we were at our high…

the descent
a long
hard
one

I go back, again
re-collect the past
and know my words were true

wouldn’t write them
in paper and pen, not blue
if I didn’t feel them about you

I touch the page like a lover
which you have not been
though I felt closer to you
than any next of kin.

you ripped the blinders off the side of my head
sliced my arms with razor blade words of farce
was so low down when you found me
built me up, only to tear me down apart

and I let you in, willingly
and you lied to me, truthfully
pretty words, lullabies, whispered fabrications
I ate them up, dutifully

retrograde sinister than in the stale mate previous
and wonder how I was so impervious
to my own inside head screaming run
while I smiled outside to your setting sun

I am a fool, I am a fool’s fool

My body you saw displayed for your eyes
felt my touch on your skin in daylight
ate my words up with a fork and knife
most unfortunate of this end
you heard my song, open heart wide, in your ear
resist, never gonna sing again, voice shrouded in fear

silent as a mute, acute tender heart
lyrically I am blocked, frocked in doubt apart
burn the desire, that you inspire, set ablaze the haze
deceitful statements, my pillar, my shade

I am a fool, I am a fool’s fool

you will be my slow demise
death to creativity, open wide
no longer high on emotional downs
set me free, make me drown

twist my words to make you say
deeper hallow the sounds that stray
empty sentence with meanings lack
threats go round, to turn your back

lonesome girl, electronic box light
searching for you, rehashing last fight
recall this pleasure pain of love
search for wholeness, she comes undone

September 2000

I could be imagining it
but the vibe dropped when
I walked into the room
four different people who
hold so much disdain
towards one person

there are only two who
deserver my sweet glance
I shouldn’t say that
everyone deservers love

my breathing labored
when I view faces
to hear her voice again
brings me to tears
all I want to do is
run to her
fall on my knees
and put my head on her child barring belly

the boy I once loved
who brought me down to
the city of angels
is with a girl who
isn’t his girl
all I want him to do is
come sit near me
and say I love you

I can’t stop starring
s-t-a-r-i-n-g
she has everything
I wish to achieve
the wedding
the husband
the child in the wings

I want to go home
don’t need to put myself though this
though I love the birthday girl

come to see her laugh so hard she cries
no money in my hand
no drink in the other
dealing with all the vibes in sobriety
the difficulty more than I imagined it would be